Wednesday, March 27

Neighbor hoisted by his own retard.

MOUNT VERNON, OH — Fred Van der Koop had enough of his pesky neighbor Joseph Perzcynski.

"I've had enough of my pesky neighbor Joseph Perzcynski."

Van der Koop claims Perzcynski violated his yard's sovereignty several times last summer with "rogue mowing and fertilizing" and "unsanctioned weeding."

"I was just trying to help the guy out ... he's got a lot on his plate with his son, and well, I thought I'd keep our side of the yard trimmed up so he could tend to other, more important things. " 61-year-old Perzcynski admitted. "I thought he got the kolachi and note of apology we left on his doorstep."

Undeterred, the internet-savvy Van Der Koop read 'somewhere' that the mentally disabled are often known to have the strength of nearly ten men. Thus, he decided to employ his developmentally-challenged son, Todd in a complex revenge plot to humiliate Perzcynski.

"Todd's crazy chimp strength was to finally come in handy. All of those years, spent helmeted and alone, he would find his true purpose." Van der Koop beamed.

Van der Koop's plan was to have Todd grab Perzcynski and hang him from a hook on his front porch, like a human hanging basket, visible to all who passed by, after luring him to his front door with a highly-conspicuous dog turd in Perzcynski's front yard.

"First, I had to get a dog. And then, obviously, a dog turd from said dog."

Perzcynski was to also wear a sign that read "Tresstpasser"(sic), like a scarlet letter of self-incrimination.

The plan backfired when Todd realized what he was about to do. Like Darth Vader hurling Emperor Palpatine down the Death Star reactor shaft, Todd instead grabbed his father and, using his robust simian/imbecile hybrid strength, placed Van Der Koop himself on the newly-installed hook.

Van Der Koop was left hanging eight and a half feet above the ground, dangling, the hand scrawled sign about his sagging neck for nearly three hours before his ex-wife Sharlene stopped by to check on their son.

What Van der Koop did not know is that "those stupid Polacks" have been inviting Todd over for weekly prayer meetings, movie nights, and the traditional Sunday serving of Marie Perzcynski's delicious homemade golumpki — showing Todd the love and respect he so badly yearns for from his own father.

"We treated Todd as a normal person. He's a sweet boy, really, and his father should recognize that, despite his learning disabilities, he's shown remarkable growth since we've gotten to know him." said Marie. "Joe-Joe even showed him how to use the jigsaw in his basement workshop. Todd couldn't wait to surprise his dad with a hand-crafted bathroom newspaper rack."

Fred Van der Koop has certainly learned his lesson.

"Just like Fred Williamson said in that Vietnam movie ... never go full retard."

Okay, so Fred Van Der Koop hasn't learned his lesson.