Tuesday, October 13

What happens in vegans definitely doesn't stay in vegans.

NEWARK, OH — First-time vegan Charlotte Treadwell found out the soft way that adopting a total vegan diet isn't quite as easy as it may seem.

A recent conscious uncoupling with her partner combined with a downturn in her home Kombucha brewing business had left Treadwell feeling a bit "adrift" and "without purpose." Turning to veganism seemed to her like logical step in self-awareness that would ultimately lead to better self-fulfillment, and other random new-agey stuff.

Scene of the crime against nature. 
"I really wanted to dedicate myself to myself, you know?"

Now, Charlotte has dedicated herself to cleaning up the ULGBTQA restroom at Gaia Horzions bookstore, where her initial excursion into veganism turned ugly.

"I was in the Queer Theory section, when I felt a sudden churning that quickly swelled to a boiling roil."

Charlotte's mad dash to relieve herself, unfortunately, did not end well.

Thankfully, Gaia Horizons co-owner Lillian Woolsworth-Toth was quite understanding of the fecal matter.

"Who are we to denigrate the wonders of the human body, no matter how abominable they may appear ... or smell?"

Bookstore regular Sally Hewes wasn't as accommodating, nor skilled at math, apparently.

"It was half on the wall, half on the floor, and half in the sink. Reminded me of my performance art days in the late seventies."

Veteran vegan Paula Nicolo tried to stifle a chuckle.  "I've seen this happen before with newbies. You have to maintain a proper balance, it's all in my hemp paper pamphlet series, The Virgin Vegan, available now out of the trunk of my Subaru."

The horrifying incident, however, has helped Charlotte recalibrate her daily intake of non-animal-based nutrients.

Nicolo added, "They become so gripped by vegan excitement they lose their shit."