Friday, January 29

Area scientist refutes Van Halen’s claim “Everybody Wants Some!!”

DUBLIN, OH – Eugene Stone, a chemist at Marysville’s Scotts Miracle-Gro Company, has been conducting research in his spare time to refute the claim rock band Van Halen made on track 2 of their classic 1980 album Women and Children First, “Everybody Wants Some!!”

“For thirty some-odd years people have been walking around humming this tune thinking it’s true.” Stone said. “I couldn’t allow such nonsense to be perpetuated any longer.”

After taking a seat in his office and declining an offer of tea, Stone blurted out, “Aha! You DO NOT WANT SOME tea. Disproven!”

Upon pointing out the ‘some’ the song is referring to is probably sex, Stone blanched.

“Buh ... due to HR restrictions I probably won’t be able to conduct further research.” Stone said, before gathering his thoughts. “Wait! Do you want to have sex with me? No? Ha! See? I’m still right.”