Friday, April 5

Hey y’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here.
I'm here to talk about our current healthcare crisis. That's right, just because I'm some NASCAR big shot doesn't mean I don't have health issues and problems covering those issues! 

You try turnin' left for four hours and see if you don't get that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome!

Of course, do you think Petty Enterprises would have a Cadillac health plan when all we drive are Pontiac Grand Prixeses and Ford Tauri?

Heck no! We've got bottom-barrel coverage thanks to a certain sibling I shall not name, but it rhymes with Dick!

Now, I don't know about that single payer them uppity coastal types keep talking about — sounds like some Commie plot to make us all trannies or something. I mean, I've already got the Vanessa Hudgens hair, maybe I'll go all the way! NASCAR sure could use a "lady" who actually knows how to drive. I'm lookin' at you, Danica!

That said, I do know we need some smarter solutions to help people afford their healthcare.

I mean, just lookin' at all them coverage options makes my head feel like Dale Earnhardt hittin' a wall! Healthcare coverage may be complicated, but in Level Cross, they make healthcare simple.

Diabetes? Oxycodone or leeches!
Depression? Oxycodone or leeches!
Diverticulitis? Oxycodone or leeches!
Sometimes, they even give the leeches oxycodone and then give you the leeches!

According to that mustache attached to a skinsuit I call a brother, I have to pay for my own Rogaine supplements. Our cut-rate Yankee insurance company has the gall to tell me that a 'slightly receding hairline' had no basis for medical intervention.

Maybe there's a reason Petty is our family name ... just sayin'.