Friday, September 27

"We have a hard enough time making people sick with lunch and dinner."

Chipotle CEO says no to breakfast at fast-food chain.

NEWPORT BEACH,CA — If you're hoping for a breakfast burrito from Mexican fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle, you'll have to wait quite a while.

"I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean, you'd die." said Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol. Niccol says that there are no plans for Chipotle to offer breakfast at their 2,500 locations anytime soon.

"We don't want dead customers. We just want sick ones."

The chain has pioneered ways to make people sick after eating their food since 1993.

"Our food scientists are hard at work right now devising cool new ways to get E.Coli and Listeria into your many Chipotle favorites. Even if you just order a Coke, you may end up convulsing in pain and well, shitting water for 72 straight hours." Niccol bragged.
"I came from Taco Bell, so I know all about how to make people sick via food."

Food marketing experts like Ryan Myers were at a loss to explain why the number one name in fast-casual food poisoning would not want to explore the rich breakfast landscape.

"I don't understand. You would think that undercooked eggs would be the best place to find a new source of E. Coli that would have your customers heaving all over the place. Frankly,  I'm surprised Jeni's Ice Creams doesn't offer breakfast cones."