Thursday, October 10

Blues put Stanley Cup-kissing herpes outbreak behind them to start the season

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI - The defending NHL Champions are nearly back to full strength after a Stanley Cup-kissing herpes outbreak left the team nursing cold sores the entire summer and into the first week of the regular season. 

"We didn't understand the perils associated with sweet victory." Blues forward and series MVP Ryan O'Reilly said. "This was our first championship, so next time we'll know." 

There’s a reason that white-haired doofus who carries the Cup everywhere wears gloves when he touches the thing, and it's not simply to keep the Cup spotless. 

“I tea-bagged some champagne in that thing.” Cup-winning forward for the Washington Capitals, Alex Ovechkin said, “But I didn't use tea bags. I used my nuts! Get it?" Ovechkin said he'd give anything just to stroke it again. "The Cup, that is. Mostly."

Tradition has the Stanley Cup passed from player to player on the ice immediately after its been won, with each member of the winning team taking a twirl around the ice with the Cup held aloft. One player would give the Cup a kiss before passing it to the next guy who would plant one on it and so on. 

At some point, the guys all take a shower together and then a couple days later participate in a pride parade through the city. 

Each player also gets to spend an entire day with the cup listening to the white-haired doofus say things like, "You should probably wash your hands. I wouldn't do that if I were you! Be careful! Watch out! That's not a stripper pole!" And, of course, "You're going to catch a disease." 

Good luck to all the teams competing for a chance to hoist the Cup this year.