Tuesday, May 5

The Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass thrives during pandemic.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While Coronavirus-related lockdowns and quarantines have quashed business activity across the nation, there's one place where the 'new normal' is busier than ever.

The oft-used but little mentioned U.S. Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass (USDPNOYA) is bustling. Normally used for government accounting, the group has now been shifted to help epidemiologists estimate Coronavirus caseloads and death rates.

"We've been working around-the-clock coming up with new numbers, just to make people feel better, or to scare the hell out of them." admitted Department head Walt Underwood."It depends on the day, really."

When asked why this type of work was not being done remotely, Underwood explained: "These fingers aren't going to count themselves!"

After indeed counting a co-worker's fingers (and thumbs), Underwood opened a blank Microsoft Excel spreadsheet titled "Covid-19 Stuff" and began typing random numbers into cells.

"By our calculations, I think we'll see about 600,000 new cases per day, give or take 450,000."